I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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