If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
