you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
