She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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