he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
