Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
