That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
