Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
