Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
