i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
