The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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