4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
