god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
