Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
