Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
