True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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