You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
