Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
thus making me awesome and them whores
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
