why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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