im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
