I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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