I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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