I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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