Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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