I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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