bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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