she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Terrible idea I love it
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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