I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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