I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
