We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
