There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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