Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
