yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
