explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
