I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I should be sponsored by Trojan
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
