she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
