she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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