3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
porn star boner night. come get it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize