Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
