i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
