just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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