Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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