if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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