just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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