dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
