Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm passing your future prison.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
