I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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