Slut skills are useful in every country.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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