I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
