In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
