I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
